Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
