I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
