just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
