the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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