life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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