Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
