i would punch a child for taco bell
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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