I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She bit a glass in half.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
