i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
