She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
