if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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