I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
