i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
