My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
