wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
