we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
