fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Randomize
