Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
