If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
