just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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