I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
