4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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