she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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