Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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