So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Can you bring me the toilet please
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
