I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
