I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
