plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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