i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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