Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
