Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Randomize
