Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
