Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
