Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
