Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
