I faked an abortion last night.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
