In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
