come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
