are you still at the devil's house?
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
