The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
