i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
