His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
