he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
