Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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