just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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