My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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