I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
