Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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