I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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