Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Panties = found
Randomize
